I recently vacationed with my family in Arizona and experienced enough 120 degree heat in June to satisfy my Northwesterly yearning for heat for an entire season! I was careful to make sure my daily agenda provided some thoughtfully carved time to revive myself with at least a couple of refreshing showers.  It was my only solution to escape the heat and wash away the sweaty grime associated with simply venturing from the house to the toasty car or revive from walks to the nearby shaved ice hut.   Name the time, that invigorating shower was one of the highlights of my day, and was always a welcome, glorious treat!

Question:  My husband is into internet porn. He promised to give it up after I discovered him. How long do the porn images stay with him? Do they come to him when we make love?

Answer: Let’s unpack this question carefully as there are several components. Consider the phrase “he’s into porn”. As Steve Arterburn, author of the book Every Man’s Battle has said, “98% of guys struggle and the other 2% are lying.” This is to say that men struggle with sexual temptations, their thought life,and their attraction to the female body. Men often “sexualize their intimacy needs.” Many man, perhaps upwards of 50% of men in the church, struggle on the addicted level. In other words, it’s not just an occasional slip into temptation should something pop up on the internet, or an attractive woman walks by at the mall, park, or the swimming pool. Many men promise to quit viewing porn, but don’t. They are stuck in addiction. They need help and support. They need accountability and courage to face shame and fear.

My friend and I picked a real beauty of a day for a walk. During one short hour we experienced sun, rain, snow, and hail…as though the weather lacked the genuine ability to stick with one course. After a few minutes I recognized stark similarities between the weather and my friend. They both seemed unable to make a decision. I couldn’t help but wonder if my friend recognized the kindred spirit that seemed to be accompanying our walk. They definitely shared an uncanny likeness with one another that morning. As she revealed her story, my heart broke for this dear woman whose choices had left her shipwrecked. We walked on, hoping to unravel even a portion of the tangled emotions that came as a result of three broken marriages within the past three years. Her days and energy were now consumed in the pursuit of yet another lover whose ambivalence was leaving her feeling disappointed and insecure. Though she sought my advice with this new relationship, I couldn’t help but wonder if this invitation to walk was a genuine search for wisdom or simply a ritual designed to prove to herself and others that she had sought outside guidance before going ahead and doing whatever she pleased. I pulled out every tool in my toolbox, yet she found none useful to answer her deeply felt longings.

Question: "Building trust is so critical for me. How will I know that my husband's heart toward indulging lust has changed? What I mean is, beyond the act of physically acting out, what other signs of a changed heart should I see in him? How do we engage the loss and betrayal that has been created in our marriage?

Answer: First of all, I affirm the crucial need to build trust in your husband. He has broken trust and he has broken and devastated your heart - numerous times. If he truly means business in his journey of restoration with the Lord and toward you, his heart will also soon be broken. Not immediately, but likely after several months of being in a men's group and individual counseling. I mean this in a Psalm 51 sort of way which treats the grief and repentance King David went through due to his sin with Bathsheba.

Song of Solomon 2:16 My beloved is mine and I am his!
~Psalm 345 Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

The hour was 6pm. It was time! The candlelight caused the young woman’s hair to shimmer magnificently as she made her way gracefully down the stairs. Her carefully curled locks gently bounced over her smooth shoulders with every step. Her feminine pomegranate gown complimented the lovely frame beneath it. She was calmly pleased with her overall appearance, knowing that her make-up perfectly captured every stunning feature. All she had to do now was simply wait for her beloved to come. She was a radiant vision of romantic elegance as she waited with poise in the armchair positioned closest to the living room door. She allowed her mind to imagine their evening together. Would he be pleased with her appearance? Tonight she was confident that he would be! Her palms betrayed her calm demeanor as she awaited his arrival. Knock….Knock…The gentle sound startled her out of her daydreams; she was certain her heart had skipped a beat! He had arrived!

Question: When a recovering sex addict attaches sexual intimacy with shame, guilt, etc and keeps this area out of marriage (no sex in marriage) because it is so shameful (or whatever) for him, is there hope/steps to make this change? Does he know how hard this is for his wife?

Answer: Yes, there is much hope for change. An excellent Christ-centered curriculum such as Ted and Diane Roberts’ Pure Desire, Mark and Debra Laaser’s Faithful and True, and others will get at issues of guilt and shame. For the addicted man, usually growth and healing will involve the lessening of shame. For him, the shame was mainly about the secret double life he was living and how guilty, sad, and afraid he felt about the real “him” being uncovered. He had been “acting out” for many years. He needs honest relationships with other men where those wounds can be faced and then lanced. That paves the way for healing with his wife, who understandably needs her own support and perhaps counseling for a season (see Barbara Steffens/ Marsha Mean’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse).

Question: Why would a husband of 23 years choose to live a secret life all the years of our marriage and tell lie after lie to keep this part of himself in hiding? Why would he spend the last 6 years with a married woman and then, 2 years after the divorce, end his relationship with her? After he moved out, he said he loved me dearly at one time- but now does not love me at all…how is that possible? Why would he draw a line in the bed; tell me I must never cross it and that he would let me know when he wanted sex? Why, for 4 years before he left, would he say I was unsafe, could not see reality for what it really is, and become exceedingly critical, contentious and emotionally abusive?

Answer: Shame. Guilt. Fear. Selfishness. Personal brokenness he’s never addressed.

This woman’s questions reflect a poignant assortment of pain, shock, consternation, anger, fear and sadness that many women go through due to their husbands’ betrayal.

“Christ’s love has the first and last word in everything we do.” (2 Cor. 5:14)

I recently went to bed quite frustrated with my husband due to a petty argument an hour earlier over a trivial topic that required better energy and more humility than either of us were willing to contribute at that late hour. I do confess; I suffer with the genuine inability to put a topic to rest until I am fairly certain my husband has heard my full exposition on the argument and at least marginally agrees that I am most certainly accurate in my thinking. Therefore, the argument that evening ended much too abruptly for my liking!  Though my eyes were closed, my mind was as active as at high noon, so I decided to accelerate drowsiness by reading for a few minutes. 

One of my favorite spots in town is the new community center which opened its doors a little over a year ago. You name it, this place has it:   a stunning performing arts center, a recording studio, teen center, a state of the art Health Club, an Olympic-sized pool, a water park, running track, an incredible coffee shop and library. Only 4 others like this center exist in the nation. On exceptional occasions I’ve capped off my workout with some quiet time in front of the huge rock fireplace located near the coffee shop. One day I lingered long enough to really soak in the lovely surroundings. I noticed the picture above the fireplace a couple of times in passing, but had never really slowed down long enough to see the inscription on the bottom of the attractive painting. But this day I noticed the three words on the placard that dripped with hope: A New Day.

I have yet to meet a woman who cannot identify with seasons where it feels as if the odds are greatly stacked up against her. There are situations that are too overwhelming or convoluted to determine where to begin in the attempt to unravel the difficult knots, or when misunderstandings and bitterness soar beyond our reach and expertise to navigate them well; or those times when it feels as if all of hell itself has been unleashed against us. At those times it is common to lose not only our cool but our heart as well.

My favorite spot in my mom and dad’s home has always been “Mom’s library”.   Scores of Christian romance novels line the walls, and during every visit to see my parents, one of my most relaxing past-times is selecting and reading one of the captivating novels from this vast library. On a recent visit, I began to weigh the vast market that exists for this genre of literature which touches a very real and tender place in the emotions of women, young and old.

This morning an uncharacteristic wave of disappointment and discouragement gripped my heart as I crawled out of bed. I faced the great paradox of “knowing” that I am not to be anxious about anything but am to pray about everything (Phil 4:6), but the daunting and emotionally exhausting situation that threatened to crush my courage and hope beneath its weight left me feeling both anxious and numb as to how to pray. I decided the day would be much more manageable if it was launched with a tasty cup of coffee and a few quiet moments with the Lord, and was immediately and magnificently met with this Truth from Hebrews: Approach the Throne Room of Grace with confidence, knowing you will find grace and mercy to help you in your time of need. 

"Our lives may never look the same after loss, but God will be glorified before a watching world as we allow His redemptive and healing process to cause a rebirth of wonder to be created out of the ash heaps of our own suffering."

Why is it that when we are young our birthdays seem to take forever to arrive, but as we grow older they seem to arrive pre-maturely? Sometimes my “big day” arrives, and I’m absolutely certain it accidentally arrived a few months earlier than the previous year. My past birthday, which I celebrated a couple of weeks ago, was no exception. However, this year I spent it in a way that was foreign to my family’s common celebratory practice. I spent my birthday alone (intentionally), yearning to celebrate it with no one, but God. Now, before you form a critical opinion of this absurd, self-centered way of spending a day which denied those who love me the opportunity to lavish me with kind expressions of adoration, please allow a defense of my actions. The outlandish idea was inspired by a friend and fueled by a prayer written by Ted Loder in his book Gorillas of Grace: Holy One, there is something I wanted to tell you, but there have been errands to run, bills to pay, meetings to attend, washing to do…and I forget what it is I wanted to say to you, and forget what I am about or why. Oh God don’t forget me please for the sake of Jesus Christ. 

Question: How can I come to a place of trust when he cannot come to a place of full disclosure?  How do we rebuild a relationship after such intimate betrayal has destroyed a 21 year foundation? Is it possible for him to be faithful after 8 years of deceit so great that he had a hidden income account and alias of a hidden lifestyle and set patterns of betrayal?

I arrived at the Restoring Hearts conference this year with a lot of trepidation, imagining I might be one of only 3 or 4 Christian women in the Seattle area dealing with this issue, and that several strong, confident women with faithful husbands would be trying to help me fix myself so I could keep my husband faithful too! My confidence was lower than dirt, I felt emotionally beaten up, very alone, and at a loss for what my next steps should be.  I remember arriving and being surprised at the number of cars in the parking lot. I remember walking in at the same time as two other women who looked as fragile as I felt, but had lovely timid smiles.  I was greeted at the door by a welcoming smile on a familiar face, which just blew me away. I was so surprised to know this kind acquaintance was dealing with the same thing as I!

When I began writing the second part of my story I hit a huge wall of resistance. For several days, I wished I had not agreed to finish the story of my relationship with my husband.

 A few nights ago, I felt the Lord showed me I was sharing from my head and not my heart. Recounting the events that happened after I let go of the relationship and divorced my husband were difficult. Sharing from the heart about my remarriage to my husband would be even more costly but God asked me to share the ‘real story.’

My husband and I were separated two years before I obtained a divorce and attempted to move forward with my life. Although we were no longer legally married, I had not severed the relationship in my heart. God spoke to me continually through the scriptures about “letting go.” For weeks after seeing the movie, The Passion, the words of Jesus addressed to his mother Mary, after stumbling under the weight of the cross would come to my mind. “I make all things new.” Instead of receiving these words for my own future, I continued to hold on to the hope this was somehow for my relationship with my husband.

This year, I should have celebrated my eight wedding anniversary, but, my marriage was destroyed by my husband’s love affair with porn. I am now single and dealing with the healing process.

My husband and I met in the singles group at church, and we had an extended friendship before dating and considering marriage. We’d both been married before, and it was very important to me to do what was right in God’s eyes, so we decided to abstain from sex before marriage. Looking back, I remember there were signs that pointed to problems in the area of sexuality even in our engagement period. I often wondered why my future husband did not seem to be aroused when were alone together. Having experienced infidelity in my other marriages, I wanted so much to believe it was his respect for me and his promises not to violate my boundaries. I ignored these early signs because of my high expectations.